LITTLE THINGS

I was riding the jeepney early yesterday morning, on my way to the MRT station. I was battling with my wet hair flying all over my face and, as always, worrying about another zit on my forehead. I turned my head and beside me was a man and his daughter of about five or six years old, sitting on his lap. And to their left, near the driver, was an old lady. Grayish hair, calloused hands, wrinkled face. She had a basket on her lap and a large plastic bag at her feet. They were all full of native delicacies. Tindera, I thought. She was most probably on her way to her usual spot in the palengke or on the sidewalk somewhere in Evangelista.

The old woman was looking out in front of her, her gaze locked in on an imaginary dot in space. She was too old to be carrying that big basket, but there was something about her, some strength, some determination. Or perhaps it was resignation. Whatever it was, it surely made her get up that morning--just like every morning--and take a jeepney to where she would ply her trade, which was basically just a bunch of puto seco and macaroons. I looked at her, and she was a superwoman.

I resolved to buy something from her that morning. Anything at all. I don't particularly like puto seco, but I figured I'd give it to one of those children I always see sleeping by the steps of the MRT station.

The jeep took a left turn to EDSA and I was still thinking of a good way to approach her. Dyahe e. The jeepney was full. How would I speak to her inconspicuously? I was still there, racking my brain and scolding myself for being so self-conscious, when the little child beside me tugged her father gently, and pointed to the basket.

His father looked. "Gusto mo?" he asked his daughter.
The little girl nodded and smiled.
"Alin diyan?" She pointed at something inside the basket. The old lady smiled at her and pulled a package out.
"Magkano ho?" asked the dad.
"Sampu lang," said the lola, and the man took out his wallet and paid.
"Salamat," The lady said. Turning to the child, she smiled again. "Buena mano ka," she said, her eyes crinkling. The child grinned even though I'm pretty sure she didn't know what that meant. Shortly after, the old lady alighted from the jeepney.

I wanted to cry. The child saved me. Stupid me and all of my 22 years; a five-year-old still had something to teach me. More than the shame I felt for not acting on what I had planned, I felt grateful to her for being the little child that she was. I swear she must have been the happiest kid that morning, getting goodies so early in the day. And yet, without her knowing it, she was also the bringer of joy. No one knows for sure how many more smiles she inadvertently caused that day, for the wheels are always turning and joy begets joy.

Little things.


***

I went to Quezon City Hall to meet with an architect for a class project. I was more than slightly irritated because my groupmates bailed on me, and I had to do the interview on my own. I was hurrying to the elevator when an old lady (I am a lola magnet) tapped me and said, "pahingi po ng tulong."

"Ano ho?"
"Help..."
I stood there, staring at her for about three seconds, all the lectures I had given about (not) giving alms swirling in my head.
"Help," she repeated quietly, "I am poor, I am hungry..." In English 'to ha, mind you.

I made my decision. I took out my wallet and gave her 20 pesos. "Kain po kayo ha," I told her. We smiled furtively, and I went on my way.

First flashback while I was dealing with the lady by the elevator: freshman year in college. My new college buddies and I were eating at Wendy's in Taft. Suddenly this old, ragged woman comes in, goes to our table on the second floor and asks for money. Wala raw siyang pamasahe pauwi sa probinsya, etcetera. We really didn't know how to react. I wanted to give her something but my classmate told me not to because the lady was most likely part of a syndicate. So we just sat there, eating fries and BMM, as she continued to speak. Minutes later the Wendy's guard went up and drove the lady away. When she was gone, I broke down. I just cried and cried--at the hopelessness, the injustice, the fact that was put in a compromising position where I wanted to care but I knew it was wrong, the fact that I managed to put my emotions on the line for five stupid minutes.

Second flashback (sort of): A story in Archie comics. Betty was giving coins to a beggar, and Reggie reprimanded her, saying she'd been duped because the poor man would just waste it on beer anyway. Betty told Reggie that she'd rather be duped than go on thinking she had passed on a chance to help a man in real need. Later that day Reggie got himself in some real tight spots and ended up on the streets in the rain, with no money and no car. He was asking passersby to lend him a penny or nickel, so he can call his butler or someone. But no one would spare him a single cent, because he'd "just spend it on useless cigarettes or beer."

Those cents do matter, don't they, Reggie? Just like kindness. Little things.


***

I was on my way home one time. It had been a grueling morning, and I was sweating because the escalator at the MRT station was broken. I hurriedly wiped my face of un-ladylike sweat and jumped in the train, hoping to catch some artificial cool air. Two stations had gone by and I was happily daydreaming, and suddenly I realized that this woman in front of me was trying to catch my attention. I looked at her, she was pointing to parts of her face while looking intensely at mine. A wave of horror passed through me and I realized I had bits of tissue stuck to my face! I took out my mirror, plucked the bits away and thanked her. Damn 7-11 for selling such cheap tissue. But more than my embarrassment I was, again, filled with gratitude. Little things, indeed.


***

Later, on the bus (I take a lot of rides, don't I?), I was paying the kunduktor. I gave him my 20-peso bill and started rummaging inside my bag for my cellphone.

"ID." Huh? I looked up. The kunduktor was waiting expectantly.
"ID ko ho?" (Duh.)
"Oo." So I took out my wallet again and showed him, and for the first time in my 22-year-old life, I got a discount on my bus ride for being a student.

***

My brother has a running question. What makes us human? What separates us from other animals and, more significantly (as the future slowly becomes the present), artificial intelligence? It's not as easy to answer as most would think. There's a lot of philosophical analysis involved in it. Most people don't even know what artificial intelligence really is. They think Honda's mechanical pet dog is a form of AI.

But I digress. Dear brother, I have an answer, or part of it anyway. It's the little things. The tiny, seemingly insignificant things. It's buying puto seco, helping a stranger get rid of tissue on her face, checking for a student's ID, giving money away to a stranger even if you know it could be a total sham.

It is recognizing one's own existence, and thereby being aware also of the existence of others. It's stringing these realizations together in one entire experience, and attaching to them all that you know and all that you have known, for all of your life.

It is the sensation of everything around you--tasting its history, feeling its present and excitedly touching its future. It's reaching out, even if apprehensively.

Franz Kafka wrote a book called The Metamorphosis. It's about a man, Gregor, who was turned into a bug overnight (okay, be patient now). Don't ask why or how, no one needs to know. Point is, he wasn't "human" anymore. He had tiny insect legs, a hard shell, brown fluid oozing out his mouth. He was a detestable creature, the embodiment of all that I, for one, find repulsive. Kadiri to the max. His family tried to--but couldn't--understand him. They were repulsed by him. He started acting more and more like an insect, at least to their eyes. They perceived him to be non-human, period. Towards the end of the book, Gregor, frustrated by his predicament and resenting everything and everyone, heard his sister playing the violin. He was deeply touched. He felt the intense power of the music, and wove into that his entire life experience--as a brother, a son, a member of a family that he loved.

Inside that insect shell, through simple violin music and that little act of listening, he became more human than any other person in that room could possibly be. Gregor died the following morning, having grasped fully his own humanity.


***

Last week, I was in the car with a friend, on the way to Makati. We were somewhere on C5. Suddenly, he pointed to the window on my side. "Tingnan mo yung langit," he said. Rays of the afternoon sun were softly peeking through the clouds. "Parang sumisilip ang Diyos."

Little things.

MIDNIGHT SNACK

You know when you're walking down the hall from your room to the kitchen in the middle of the night when you want to secretly snack, and you bump into that bookcase or hall altar or some other hard furniture on the way? Ouch 'di 'ba? Kinda wakes you up. And you feel a bit stupid because the blasted thing has been there forever, but you always forget (coz you're so hungry!).

Well, this is one of those midnight waker-uppers. Just re-posting. Thanks rhea. :p

Do's and Don'ts

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

3. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

4. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

5 . Slower is better.

6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

8. Don't settle.

9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

12 . Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

14 . Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

16. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

17. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or has a better job.

18. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more and nothing less.

19. Never let a man define who you are.

20. Never borrow someone else's man.

21. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

22. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

23. All men are NOT dogs.

24. You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.

25. You need time to heal between relationships.. there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

26. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

27. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

28. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

29. Never move into his mother's house.

30. Never co-sign for a man. (Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)

31. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

VIOLENT

I am. I am. I am. What more can I say?

The inevitable has happened. The horrifying truth I had long been avoiding. My nightmare is coming true. The thing that wakes me up slightly shivering and very scared. That thing that keeps me up at night with crazy, violent thoughts in my head. What they said I am but have denied time and again.

Well, this is me, lost and found, and lost again. This is what I am. And I am terrified.